Ok so: if you don’t like Jupiter Ascending that’s fine. I don’t wanna hear about how it’s trash or whatever. I am specifically stopping myself from writing apologies or excuses for bad parts of the movie. Here’s why I love it, spoilers included.

Jupiter Ascending is the story a million little girls grew up wanting. Jupiter’s an undocumented immigrant who cleans toilets for a living. She eats dinner every night with her large obnoxious family, including a sketchy cousin, then finds out she’s set to inherit a fuckin’ SPACE EMPIRE. She’s not great at things all the time either—actually yells and clings to Mr. Handsome Eyeliner when flying uncontrollably! uses the sticky side of a pad to try to absorb blood from a wound!—and I for one am charmed.

Anyway, the villains are a trio of siblings that hate and/or want to seduce each other. The movie toys with themes of genetic destiny, of rebirth, of the rich literally killing the poor so they can live longer more beautiful lives. There's gorgeous dresses and fascinating hair choices and confusing dramatic reveals and not-quite-hidden anticapitalism. It’s a movie built from the secret imaginary worlds we sometimes take too far and into weird places and what if they were real, you know?

Plus, Jupiter's got a mysterious sexy wingéd werewolf boyfriend with rocket boots. Will he gain the redemption he desires? Will he re-learn how to get along with his partially-bee ex in time for them to save the day?

For every hundred adolescent-boy-fantasy movies, there’s maybe five little girl fantasy films, and maybe one of those gets to be weird. This is a truly bizarre-ass movie that feels like it fell out of someone’s imagination wholesale and I love it deeply and wholly.